I just realized how I never ever again want to be an empty shell.
Maybe you know these thoughts that I had some five to ten years ago. I thought I need to act as if I am fine, just because other people tend to like people who are fine more than people who are not. Or because I thought that people only want to see the nice and shiny bits, even if they are not real.
My thoughts were so wrong.
I thought I have to act like I am okay. But that made me exhaustingly inauthentic.
I don't want to cultivate bathing in drama, not at all. I also don't want to annoy or even burden my close friends with my emotional garbage.
But I also don't want to act as if I am fine when I'm not. I'll just tell people that I am feeling quite odd, maybe I'll just take more time for myself. Or I'll share my feelings with someone who is okay with it and has the time and energy at that moment and can distance him or herself. I guess I'll mention my emotional state and warn the people and I really want to give them all of my understanding and love if they aren't ready to cope with me. That's okay.
I just won't be an empty shell anymore.
And I love all of the people around me. Everything is fine. It's okay the way it is. All feelings are okay. I am feeling God or Life or however the Unnameable shall be named in such a strong way. I know everything is okay, everything is going the right way.
